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A blanket fallen from the clouds
Covers the land as snow falls down,
So white, white as a wedding gown,
White, white as the burial shrouds.

The firs wear coats made of snow,
The solemn silence like mist soars
To mountain tops from valley floors,
Silence of graves does follow.

Lonely cart tracks slowly fade,
Now they only lead to nowhere,
Their origin is no longer there,
Soon they are but a white shade

A blanket fallen from the sky
Covers the peaceful land below
With the innocently white snow
Comes the cold that lets us die.
Written for the :iconmy-soul-bleeds-ink: constest:
For more information see here: Christmas/Winter Contest
Prompt used:
by ~patriszkarch
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:icondwkeiko:
You requested a critique... This will be my first one ever on DA, so bare with me please X3

"The firs wear coats made of snow"

I'm not sure if I read it wrong, but I don't understand what firs is supposed to be. It could simply be me, not understanding a word.

I would also add a little use of enjambment. For example, in the first stanza, the second and third line end with hard end rhymes. Possibly try to shift down so it's somewhere in the stanza, instead of the end. For visual effects it would look better because it wouldn't stand out as much. The second stanza doesn't have that issue because you have use of slant rhymes (soars/floors).

Also, the last stanza. Even though it makes sense as one sentence, I might break it up into two after the end of the second line, "Covers the peaceful land below." It's just because it's rather long without any pauses from periods or commas.

Now that I got that out of the way. Praise, you had great imagery and descriptive words. Example: "Solemn silence like mist soars to mountain tops from valley floors."

You had great sound and rhythm. That example above shows that. There was a lot of alliteration, which i really, really liked, rhyming (and it wasn't obnoxious rhyming either) and also repetition. The use of repetition was done extremely well because the first and last stanza are very similar, but have small differences. I thought that was cleaver.

One last thing I really liked was how you paced it well. The imagery set up this peaceful land and then your line:

"White, white as the burial shrouds"

it was so smooth and slow... It fit the mood so well- I thought that line was written very well.

So overall, I really enjoyed your poem! Just play with the rhythm a little, see what you can make by adding or subtracting punctuation. Keep writing because I love seeing great work on here :D I hoped my critique kind of helped, if not, I'm really sorry! Best of luck with your poem!
:3
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconhugqueen:
HugQueen Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013   Writer
Hello! :la: I've featured your piece here!



:heart: Stephany
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much :dance:
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:iconhugqueen:
HugQueen Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013   Writer
You're welcome! <3
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:iconpatriszkarch:
patriszkarch Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Beautiful :)

Thanks for using my picture ;)
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad you like it :)
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:iconbigtuna723:
BigTuna723 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
Miles to go aye butterfly.
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:iconkilluaxme:
killuaxme Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
i think it i a good poem, good job =D
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
Reply
:iconkilluaxme:
killuaxme Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2012
you are welcome =D
Reply
:iconornicar-photographie:
Ornicar-photographie Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
:)
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconheadingtowardsthesun:
headingtowardsthesun Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
great! :)
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :D
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012   Writer
Thank you for entering and good luck for the contest.
Reply
:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you ^^
Reply
:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Professional Writer
As always you have weaved words of magic. :huggle:
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you love :heart::huggle:
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:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Professional Writer
You are welcome love :heart: :huggle:
Reply
:icondragonlolidk123:
DRAGONlolidk123 Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012
This is lovely. I really like it. And this isn't a meaningful comment, but I decided you should know I really like it :)
Reply
:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
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:icondragonlolidk123:
DRAGONlolidk123 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013
No problem :)
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December 18, 2012
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