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Submitted on
September 10, 2012
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We take the kindness for granted when
We think that we deserve it but then
The angel we owe this to falls finally
We wonder aloud and we wonder why
And over the angel we broke we cry
Still we can't see we caused it initially

It's too easy to make angels fall
While wond'ring "Where are the angels all?"
It's so easy to push them over the edge
By demanding and taking it all, yet
We never give, never repay the debt
Tell me, what excuse do we have to allege?

Oh, leeches we are, vampires feeding
On angels' hearts, don't see they're needing
Kind words once in a while, arms to hold them, too
Why do we not tell them they are precious
Instead we're treating them so malicious-
ly, We kill angels, we're hell and them is woe
Some thoughts about kindness, giving and taking.
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:iconnemox7:
Hey there, not a great writer of critiques so bear with me. I'll probably babble on about some good points first before going into that dark area of negativity or as I call "annoying nitpicking" (which you are free to ignore at your leisure).

First of. What a great poem. I get from this is a feeling of dependence. That somehow this dependence works both ways. I may be wrong, so please excuse my rashness.

"We take the kindness for granted"... The line that caused me to think of dependence upon the angel's "kindness".

"...over the angel we broke..." this quote is a line I think helped me see that the angel is also dependent on the narrator.

The repetition of "fall" is a great technique, but perhaps you may consider trying out a couple of other words to make the poem impact more. Find a few words that are startling. Yet it's all up to you the writer at the end of the day.

Also I found that the poem overall didn't flow as well as it should have. I had to re-read lines at certain points as the syntax was a bit forced in my view.

Your last stanza is a much more darker affair than the previous two. Creatures associated with darkness, such as "leeches", "vampires" are used. And these are terms applied to mortal beings not those "angels", who we "take for granted" as though our dependence on them is enough to hurt or even kill them.

Overall I enjoyed the poem and I understood (if I'm correct) most of what you were trying relay to your audience. Again I could be wrong.

Keep up the great writing and please be assured I mean no disrespect in this critique if it comes across that way.
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:iconsvitavotara:
Svitavotara Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
So beautiful!
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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:iconirideamagicalladle:
IRideAMagicalLadle Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Dark and lovely!:clap:
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much :)
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:icondeerydeerth:
DeeryDeerth Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is so awesome!
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :D
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:icondeerydeerth:
DeeryDeerth Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You're welcome. :)
Reply
:iconsumgie1:
sumgie1 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012
I like it. :)
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
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:iconsumgie1:
sumgie1 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012
You're welcome. :)
Reply
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