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:icondiluculi: More from Diluculi


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January 15, 2013
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A black stripe covers the sky
A dark storm is approaching fast
Trouble is brewing, danger in delay
Soon deep night will fall during midday
Old quarrels erupt from the past
New hate's born from truths awry

The only light's a red glow
Like of the inky sky a threat
Getting brighter and brighter until
For a short moment, the world stands still
Then the sky is burning crimson red
And burning stars fall like snow

Dies irae dies illa
solvet saeculum in favilla


The world is consumed by fire
Burning winds roll across the lands
The water becomes the blood of dead
On the scorched earth hungry flames do spread
The glaring light shines through our hands
No salvation from straits dire

Horae irae horae illa
solvent saeculum in favilla


"Oh God almighty, save me
From this. Have mercy on me, please!
What have I done to deserve this fate?"
People start praying but it's too late.
My revenge nothing can appease.
No remorse, no prayer from thee.

Facta illa facta irae
Hic tempus ultiones meae
This is inspired by what would happen if certain things wouldn't have stopped in time.
The only difference is, the rela me would have been burned, along with many innocent people.
But enough of this.

Translation of the latin parts:

Dies irae, dies illa
solvet saeculum in favilla
- taken from the church hymn "Dies Irae, Dies Illa", meaning as much as:
"The day of wrath, that day
Dissolves the world in ashes"

Horae irae, horae illa... - Means basically the same as above, I only exchanged "day" with "hours"

Facta illa facta irae
Hic tempus ultiones meae
- This part is completely made my be and thus most likely full of mistakes. Anyway, the translation is ment to be:
"These acts [are] the acts of wrath
This [is the] moment of my revenge."
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:iconshasta-rose:
Absolutely interesting piece to read, and on multiple levels. First of all, taking the traditional "Dies irae" and incorporating it into a modern setting with a spin on its original religious meaning really caught my eye. The way you used the lines, interspersing them with your main original text, is quite effective.

Secondly, you really set the scene incredibly well, showing us a truly tumultuous day of wrath, complete with red skies, burning stars, and the approach of a swarm-like black storm. I might consider rewording "Like of the inky sky a threat," which, while making sense, might possibly sound less cumbersome with a bit of time.

You've got a very strong, wonderful structure throughout the piece. The only time you diverge from that is having two English stanzas at the front instead of alternating between English and Latin. That's perfectly fine. The rhyme scheme is a lovely structure, as is the material you introduce in the poem - I was engaged from the intriguing beginning to the beautiful, appropriate ending. The poem's the right length, has a lovely shape, and makes for a wonderful cohesive unit.

Rhyme is something that's a little difficult to write, and I appreciate you using rhyme in the poem without making it sound like Dr. Seuss. I really like when poets can do that, and it was effective here. I think it added to the mood in a sense because you used something ancient - a Dies Irae - and rhyme also is another tradition, albeit a different one, that helps set the poem's mood. Every once in a while I feel like you were stretching to try to reach a perfect rhyme when it might have sounded cleaner otherwise. For example, the only time you use an enjambment is in these lines:

"Getting brighter and brighter until
For a short moment, the world stands still"

Which is a smart way to rhyme with "still," but it does stick out a little because of the first part of the second line.

You could also maybe do a little more with vocabulary. I think the vocabulary is great and very appropriate for the poem - just every once in a while keep in mind when you use words like "burning" twice in two lines right next to each other (end of second stanza). Finding a synonym subtly increases the quality of a poem and makes it shine any more.

I would say I am a person who is affected very much by the rhythm of the poem. You can ignore this, of course, since not everyone is so meter-centric as I am. A piece can sound really good with no definite meter, and it can sound really good with a definite meter. Sometimes, though, I run into poems where it almost sounds like they're edging toward a meter, but never quite reach it. Maybe that makes sense, or maybe I'm crazy. Either way, when I read this, I felt there was something a little off in the syllabic structure, preventing the piece from the maximum aesthetic flow. That's something really out there and something of a personal preference for me, so take it as you will. It's a lovely work either way, and I'm glad to have read it.
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Student Writer
The images and raw emotion are vividly expressed. I enjoyed reading it =)
Reply
:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013   Writer
I like the inclusion of the latin - nice work.
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
One quick suggestion - and you did it in your notes - but I'd italicize the Latin. I love how you mixed those in! Makes it have UMPH.
Reply
:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thnak you :)
good idea :)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
NP :D
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:iconpuddha1988:
Puddha1988 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really liked it, it's got an element of personal feeling coming from it, and its also very surreal, like something one would expect to hear as a child being told a story of something many have forgotten.
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:icondiluculi:
Diluculi Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much :)
Reply
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