The sun's shining and the sky is clear and you wish that you weren't here Anymore, no part of this world, of this life You're trapped in darkness and the way out Of it is death, there's no doubt But the alluring whispers of the sharp knife
When you drive in your car down the road You dream of your last abode And your eyes search for a tree to crash into Every bridge's a chance to jump down Each river tempts you to drown In it, you climb high buildings not for the view
How can I make you stay here with me When you try so hard to flee From life's pain and the darkness and the sorrow? Still I'm begging at your feet to stay Not to throw your life away Because without you I couldn't face tomorrow
You say you're born alone and you'll die All alone, but that's a lie When you leave this world you leave me behind, too I need you to carry on, my friend 'Friends until the bitter end.' We promised each other, tell me it's still true
Dearest friend, remember what we swore Don't make me attend at your Funeral before we're both older than dirt From this step there is no turning back If you take it, my soul'll crack Because I wouldn't know how to deal with the hurt
For the one who wanted to crash her car into a bridge pillar For the one who jumped off a bridge and was lucky to fall into a river. For the one who wanted to jump onto a highway. For the one who took the knife to end it. For the ones I cannot lose.
First stanza: I like the way the first line conflicts with the second, telling the reader that this person doesn't want to live in this beautiful world. The last line paints a vivid picture of how this person (let's just call him/her Person X) is trying to resist the urge to escape the darkness, in a very provocative way.
Second stanza: The way you described how Person X is constantly searching for a way to end it is phenomenal. However, I feel that the word 'down' in the line "Every bridge's a chance to jump down" does not aptly reflect the rest of the line. And in the last line, "In it, you climb high buildings not for the view", it is not completely clear what you climb the buildings in, as the word 'dream' is only used once in the second line, and that too as a verb.
Third stanza: I felt that this was a particularly flat stanza, except for the last line, "Because without you I couldn't face tomorrow". Very emotional, and brings in the idea that you have deep feelings about Person X very cleverly.
Fourth Stanza: I found the fourth stanza free of any and all error, and the last 2 lines stood out spectacularly, showing the reader your intimate relationship with Person X.
Fifth Stanza: I absolutely loved how you implied your potential sorrow by showing your reluctance to attend Person X's funeral. I found "Before we're older than dirt" to be wonderfully creative phrase. Fantastic. The last three lines finish the poem quite well, sending it off with a bang, if you'll excuse the pun.
All in all, a very well written, thought provoking piece. This is one of those poems that just slaps you in your face and reminds you what's important in life. I especially loved the way you described the "temptation", that urge to go all the way. Really beautiful work. A few tiny snags here and there, but otherwise, it's brilliant. Please write more things like this!
Beautiful - reminds me of darker times, for both myself and others - rings very true, very well expressed, well done!
And what if all the pain and challenges in life were there not to punish us (only), but to teach us something and help us become better humans? Maybe the pain connected to a past transgression or three, and challenges linked to what we need to improve? Just chucking the idea out there, I've sometimes wondered...
difficult to feel
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